The thing that I hate most about having CPTSD is that, no matter how far removed from the abuse I get, I cannot escape it. I could move to the other side of the Earth but the terror abd pain would still follow me because it exists exclusively in my mind. It's locked up and buried deep in my subconscious. Even after a year and a half of therapy, even after having a medical procedure designed for combat veterans, it still terrorizes me. I wake in the morning feeling full of fear, like someone with an ax is standing next to me bed, his blade ready to slice through my neck. No matter how many deep breaths I take, no matter how many times I remind myself that there is no danger, my insides feel scared. The trauma has indelibly imprinted itself on my DNA like some kind of tattoo from the depths of hell. Extracting that poison feels almost impossible. It's so unfair. I remember the life I had before all of this, what it was like to feel peace. I remember normal functionality. This life I live now is a hollow shadow like existence compared to that. I live in a constant state of grief. It's incredibly painful.