Fuck this shit

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December 14, 2019

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I honestly feel like I don't have anything to live for. At least nothing that I can think of feels like it outweighs the suffering.

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I hate my life

Do you ever sit in the bathtub and seriously consider just slipping under the water, taking a deep breath, and just letting it all be over? Do you ever Google what it's like to die from drowning while considering drowning yourself in your bathtub? Honestly, is life always going to be this fucking horrific? I am worn out, so tired of taking a beating constantly. Thing have been absolute hell for a solid 20 plus years. There has not been any extended period of time in those 20 years where I was happy and not constantly the victim of some type of abuse. Even as I've tried to pick myself back up a million times, someone or something always comes along and curb stomps my face back into the mud. Nothing ever gets better. Ever. Is this just how life is? Is there never peace, never rest, never contentment? Is it just a constant onslaught of liquid shit and bricks beaten down on your life? I hate it. I hate my existence. I would run away but I fear that even in the running it would fo...

I need advise but don't know who to talk to in order to know of this is normal to feel this way or not. I feel like my husband is inferior to me. I will start by saying that he is a unique soul. I married him because I felt,and still feel, that I will probably never be loved the way that he loves me. He is persistently affectionate and sweet. He genuinely thinks I am beautiful when I truly feel I am ugly. He hasn't ever yelled at me. We don't have typical arguments. I've never met anyone who tries so hard. We have a good friendship. But despite those good traits, during our entire marriage I have consistently felt disappointed that he doesn't live up to the expectations and needs I have in a partner. He is dumb. He just is. And that dumbness has been grounds for repeatedly irritation. He never has any idea what's going on. He cannot think critically. He doesn't understand basic concepts. He is painfully slow at getting anything done. He doesn't underst...

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